Let me just jump in. I had a bad year. A series of unfortunate events has ripped some holes open in me. I thought perhaps I was doing an okay job mending them but then ugly and scary thoughts started seeping in recently. Thoughts on how to not be a part of this life anymore. Thoughts I have never, ever thought before. I knew this wasn’t normal or okay.
But how do you tell someone this? In what part of conversation do you mention that you’ve thought about how easily you could just slip away into the swirling current of the river a few hundred yards from your house? Or what speed you would have to be driving your car to flip it over that guard rail? How, when the one you love is frustrated with how you’ve been acting? Or when you’ve been lead to believe people are tired of hearing and reading about your depression? Or when those whom you love and care about have rightfully more legitimate reasons to feel similarly but perhaps don’t?
I was frightened of where it would go if I held it in. I knew I had to just say it. So I’ve gotten help. I stood up to keep from drowning.
And I want to begin again. I wan’t to write about the good things. The fun things that make me laugh and smile. I want to share the things I make and experience. But I also know that expressing those deep and heavy thoughts and feelings is what helps me through them. If you find yourself rolling your eyes and sighing at this, then feel free to move along. I’m not forcing you to read this. Making my vulnerabilities and faults and frayed edges known has been positive and I have missed this tremendously. I will keep writing.
And I hope you’re here with me 🙂