Let’s Begin Again

Hello.

Let me just jump in. I had a bad year. A series of unfortunate events has ripped some holes open in me. I thought perhaps I was doing an okay job mending them but then ugly and scary thoughts started seeping in recently. Thoughts on how to not be a part of this life anymore. Thoughts I have never, ever thought before. I knew this wasn’t normal or okay.

But how do you tell someone this? In what part of conversation do you mention that you’ve thought about how easily you could just slip away into the swirling current of the river a few hundred yards from your house? Or what speed you would have to be driving your car to flip it over that guard rail? How, when the one you love is frustrated with how you’ve been acting? Or when you’ve been lead to believe people are tired of hearing and reading about your depression? Or when those whom you love and care about have rightfully more legitimate reasons to feel similarly but perhaps don’t?

I was frightened of where it would go if I held it in. I knew I had to just say it. So I’ve gotten help. I stood up to keep from drowning.

I’m here.

And I want to begin again. I wan’t to write about the good things. The fun things that make me laugh and smile. I want to share the things I make and experience. But I also know that expressing those deep and heavy thoughts and feelings is what helps me through them. If you find yourself rolling your eyes and sighing at this, then feel free to move along. I’m not forcing you to read this. Making my vulnerabilities and faults and frayed edges known has been positive and I have missed this tremendously. I will keep writing.

And I hope you’re here with me 🙂

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8 thoughts on “Let’s Begin Again

  1. You are courageous and honest and beautiful. I’m glad you’re feeling better. But I, for one, am willing to lend an ear if ever you need one. <3

  2. So very glad you are brave enough to put those scary thoughts on the table and talk about them. Sending lots of love and good thoughts to you, Andria!

  3. Much love to you, Andria! One of these days I’ll write to you about my struggle with PPD. All behing me, thank God. One day you’ll look back and be grateful for the scars, it’s the strangest thing… Take care and I hope you smile a lot.

    Slav

  4. Oh! I’m so sorry that I am late here to you. I’m glad you’re taking care and getting help. Instagram has lulled me into complacency. xo

  5. Having been down that path (of course it was my own, not identical to yours), I know the work it takes to come back. Its a process with good days and bad. I am glad you are back:) I always loved reading your posts!

  6. Hugs to you for believing in yourself to seek the help you need! It’s hard to admit it to yourself, let alone others! You are an amazing woman and I’m proud of you!! Keep on working on yourself!! 🙂

  7. Sooo glad to see those smiles ; I know life isn’t all smiles but it shouldn’t be all tears either. Take care of YOU! Hugs….

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