I’m lost. I don’t know where I’m going.

Maybe the problem is more so that I don’t know where I fit. I’m having trouble finding my way around my own life.

There are days that leave me grasping at anything to keep from feeling untethered and disconnected, as if my body is going through the motions but my mind is orbiting around my life, the two never really coalescing. You see, I don’t know how to get close to you. I don’t know how to talk to you in a way that doesn’t leave you wanting to either run away or never hang out with me again or both. I want to dive right in and ask you what dessert you would request on your deathbed. I want to know if you’ve every been skinny dipping. I want you to tell me about your childhood, your first kiss, your first car. Is the person you’re with right now the person you’ve ever loved the most? If they aren’t, what happened to that other person? Can you do things by halves, like just sort of be with someone or be acquainted with a friend but not intend to love them intently? What do you believe happens to us when we die? Has anyone written poems about you? What has been the most terrifying thing you’ve over come?

I want to know you.

Because you fascinate me.

But I don’t know how to ask these things without coming off as, um, too intense. I might sit passively, quietly observing and nodding. I decide to not dive in and just float on the surface with the standard chatter about my latest trip to Costco, bedtime routines, that awesome new cleaning product I started using that takes the smell of puke out of car seats, or what my child recently stuck up her nose. The things that, in this whole short time I have on this earth, I could literally not give any less fucks about. I have trouble with the middle ground. Seeming interested and interesting without making you recoil in fear because a social norm has been breached. And I know this isn’t the stuff we can go about discussing on a daily basis. Sometimes it is nice to know that grapes at Costco right now are an incredible deal. Because we all need to float sometimes.  But I’d rather stick my face in the water and see what’s below the idle prattle.

This trouble I have with connecting has left me lonely. I’m not sure I know how to be a good friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother. Someone who is true and honest with feelings and thoughts. I need real relationships to real people because I can’t do this life by halves anymore. I need these relationships as bright spots in a dark thinking which I can gather and align into constellations to navigate my life. To someplace I want to be. I’m just not sure how to ask.

8 thoughts on “Navigation

  1. First, let me begin by saying you pull the words from my mind. Words I can never articulate for myself. It seems they either come out wrong…scratch that, they come out right, but some how are perceived in a way I didn’t intend. Perpetually lost in translation is how I feel in most all of my relationships, so floating has become the default. I am existing as a soul unfulfilled and have for a very long time. I am now learning how to navigate this life seeking fulfillment without damaging those who care about me the best they know how, yet isn’t enough for me (though I would never tell them so.) Please, ask away. I’ll talk Under the water’s surface with you anytime. I Would love to be known. It is a gift to want to be known. I Want to know you too. So, to answer your questions: The most terrifying thing I have ever overcome is still in progress; which is to love my self enough to always be MYSELF. Yes, someone has written poems about me. (I’ll share the story in person). When we die, I have no idea. I’m okay with not knowing. I don’t need to know. I’m not afraid to die. I Do not prefer to do things in halves. Though I have learned that sometimes circumstances force modifications to our behaviors to include how intently we can show love, which is a gross contradiction and/or perversion to what is felt in the heart. (I dislike the expression “actions speak louder than words” for that very reason.) my first car was a used white car that I can not recall the make of. The first car that I had to drive is another story. A 1972 Buick Skylark 2 door hard top olive green. Later painted bright orange. Humility veils my car ownership experiences. Though I can laugh, or at least smile, when sharing the stories. My first kiss Michael Lang 7th grade 2minutes in the closet game. I had braces. He was very cute but not my “type” I don’t remember how it felt. Just that I was grateful for his kindness, that I was deemed kissable, that he was willing, that he was kind afterwards. (Sad- too young to have a questionable self worth.). Yes to skinny dipping I was a teenager with my friend in their pool. Though I certainly would like to do so again “national lampoons Vacation” style, HaHa. More like in nature. As for my childhood, I have little to no recollection prior to age 6 or 7 when my parents divorced. I wish I did because the photographs elude to a happy one. I Overall had a good childhood filled with good experiences. Interlaced with dysfunction and abuse. I’m not ashamed to talk about it but don’t readily offer up the information as to not send the listener running for the hills. As for dessert on my death bed, couldn’t say for certain but Likely strawberry rhubarb pie with a dollop of vanilla ice cream. Now what will we talk about when we see each other? P.S. You don’t need to know how to be a good friend, sister, wife, mother because you already ARE one.

  2. Yes!!! You do need those things ( I don’t know you, but you made a beautiful orange and grey dress once that I stumbled across, and I really love orange and grey)! Don’t give up – the world is full of all kinds of people and there are many who have no use for idle small talk and would rather get to the heart of something real and important. For all that there are many who don’t share your way of connecting, each time you meet someone who does, it is all that much more special and important and affirming. Being home with a bunch of young kids is really hard for making space for yourself to have those kinds of opportunities. I used to loathe playgroups for the discussions of bottles and frozen fruit and sleep habits and so on and so on. You appear to be a person of integrity, with no interest in compromising that. Good luck!!

  3. Andria, I have felt this way, I still sometimes do. I wish we could be friend in real life. I would love that. Take care of yourself! And emerge glourious, in springtime.

  4. Honestly, i think the majority of people crave this. Real, substantial connections. Where you really know some one. But revealing yourself to some one can be scary. There is so much more to people than we ever know or give them credit for. Having said that, the only way you will ever know some one is to ask those “weird” questions. Maybe the look you get when you ask the questions is not “holy shit what a weirdo” but a “wow could she really want to know ME?” Keep asking and thinking just as you are. You are normal. You are fine.

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