I’m lost. I don’t know where I’m going.
Maybe the problem is more so that I don’t know where I fit. I’m having trouble finding my way around my own life.
There are days that leave me grasping at anything to keep from feeling untethered and disconnected, as if my body is going through the motions but my mind is orbiting around my life, the two never really coalescing. You see, I don’t know how to get close to you. I don’t know how to talk to you in a way that doesn’t leave you wanting to either run away or never hang out with me again or both. I want to dive right in and ask you what dessert you would request on your deathbed. I want to know if you’ve every been skinny dipping. I want you to tell me about your childhood, your first kiss, your first car. Is the person you’re with right now the person you’ve ever loved the most? If they aren’t, what happened to that other person? Can you do things by halves, like just sort of be with someone or be acquainted with a friend but not intend to love them intently? What do you believe happens to us when we die? Has anyone written poems about you? What has been the most terrifying thing you’ve over come?
I want to know you.
Because you fascinate me.
But I don’t know how to ask these things without coming off as, um, too intense. I might sit passively, quietly observing and nodding. I decide to not dive in and just float on the surface with the standard chatter about my latest trip to Costco, bedtime routines, that awesome new cleaning product I started using that takes the smell of puke out of car seats, or what my child recently stuck up her nose. The things that, in this whole short time I have on this earth, I could literally not give any less fucks about. I have trouble with the middle ground. Seeming interested and interesting without making you recoil in fear because a social norm has been breached. And I know this isn’t the stuff we can go about discussing on a daily basis. Sometimes it is nice to know that grapes at Costco right now are an incredible deal. Because we all need to float sometimes. But I’d rather stick my face in the water and see what’s below the idle prattle.
This trouble I have with connecting has left me lonely. I’m not sure I know how to be a good friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother. Someone who is true and honest with feelings and thoughts. I need real relationships to real people because I can’t do this life by halves anymore. I need these relationships as bright spots in a dark thinking which I can gather and align into constellations to navigate my life. To someplace I want to be. I’m just not sure how to ask.