It’s my birthday today.
This year has been one of my most difficult. I have grown and birthed a new little life. I have watched my children smile, laugh, and cry. I have seen friendships grow, change, drift apart, and come together. I have felt so full and hollow at the same time. I’ve struggled with finding who I am. I have cried more than I ever have.
I’m done feeling like I need to apologize for the things I like, for my hobbies, and sense of humor. Done apologizing for wanting to take time for myself. Done apologizing for getting dressed and putting on makeup in the morning. Done apologizing for being skinny, because when I look in the mirror or my clothes don’t fit it only reminds me how I haven’t taken care of myself. I shouldn’t feel bad about being who I am and I’ve spent too many tears on this.
I’m done wondering if I said or did something wrong, over analyzing. Done wondering why I don’t get invited or included and feeling hurt. Done being someone else’s option. I’m through with wondering if people like me and instead I’ll wonder if I like them and if they are worth my time. I’m tired of putting others first and being put last. I expect more from people because it is what I would do for them. I’m done giving my all and only getting half in return. Maybe I don’t hold the same place in someone’s heart as they do in mine and that’s okay, I just need to let go. Those who want me in their lives will make a spot for me. I am worth knowing and loving. It shouldn’t feel like a struggle and I’ve spent too many tears on this.
I’m done feeling like today is just time that needs to be gotten through. I’m done holding on to what’s gone and not appreciating what remains. I’m done with not looking with glittering eyes for the magic of tomorrow because it isn’t just another day. I’m done wishing the day would end because I’ve missed so much this way and I’ve spent too many tears on this.
“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to be with people you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend…” And I’ll miss it if I’m focusing my energy into fighting the old instead of being open to the new.
So you see, tears are a currency I’m done using. I’m taking last year off of my shoulders, standing taller on the good things and leaving the bad behind. Now it is time to start paying for my life with laughter and smiles.
This year will be beautiful.