Here’s To The New

It’s my birthday today.

This year has been one of my most difficult. I have grown and birthed a new little life. I have watched my children smile, laugh, and cry.  I have seen friendships grow, change, drift apart, and come together. I have felt so full and hollow at the same time. I’ve struggled with finding who I am. I have cried more than I ever have.

I’m done.

I’m done feeling like I need to apologize for the things I like, for my hobbies, and sense of humor. Done apologizing for wanting to take time for myself. Done apologizing for getting dressed and putting on makeup in the morning. Done apologizing for being skinny, because when I look in the mirror or my clothes don’t fit it only reminds me how I haven’t taken care of myself. I shouldn’t feel bad about being who I am and I’ve spent too many tears on this.

I’m done wondering if I said or did something wrong, over analyzing. Done wondering why I don’t get invited or included and feeling hurt. Done being someone else’s option. I’m through with wondering if people like me and instead I’ll wonder if I like them and if they are worth my time. I’m tired of putting others first and being put last. I expect more from people because it is what I would do for them. I’m done giving my all and only getting half in return. Maybe I don’t hold the same place in someone’s heart as they do in mine and that’s okay, I just need to let go. Those who want me in their lives will make a spot for me. I am worth knowing and loving. It shouldn’t feel like a struggle and I’ve spent too many tears on this.

I’m done feeling like today is just time that needs to be gotten through. I’m done holding on to what’s gone and not appreciating what remains. I’m done with not looking with glittering eyes for the magic of tomorrow because it isn’t just another day. I’m done wishing the day would end because I’ve missed so much this way and I’ve spent too many tears on this.

“You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You’re human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to be with people you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend…” And I’ll miss it if I’m focusing my energy into fighting the old instead of being open to the new.

So you see, tears are a currency I’m done using. I’m taking last year off of my shoulders, standing taller on the good things and leaving the bad behind. Now it is time to start paying for my life with laughter and smiles.

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All photos by Blue Dandelion Photography

 

This year will be beautiful.

 

7 thoughts on “Here’s To The New

  1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRIA, hope you had a great day, Loved the photos, your family, all so beautiful. I was a little teary eyed as I read the first part of our blog. Reminded me of years back how I felt at times. But was happy with the ending. You are so talented and so beautiful. So proud to be your grand mother.

  2. My heart aches reading your blog posts! I know intimately every emotion that you’re feeling right now. I wish you weren’t in this place because you seem like you truly are worth knowing and loving! I wish I had the courage and strength to be vulnerable and put it out there warts and all like you do. I’m sure you’re strong enough to come out on the other end just fabulously, but it sure is shitty to have to live through in the meantime.

  3. Perspective is everything, and I read your post with clear respect and bloodshot eyes. You are wise beyond your years, and I am jealous that my brother is so fortunate to share each moment with you. We get to choose love each morning, and it is beautifully simple, and yet it is like swimming up stream. I love you very much, and thank you for sharing.

  4. Oh, it seems like it was just your birthday and now I see it was the 17th? Time is flying by so fast this year, and I’m so far behind on everything. Thankfully I did wish you an instagram happy birthday so I didn’t totally miss out.

    Anyway.. wow, I can totally relate to everything you’ve mentioned here. Is it something everyone goes through and we just don’t know it? I don’t know, but it’s all so painfully familiar. Well except the skinny part. Duh.

    As always you look so beautiful. The photos are really outstanding. You look happy, the kids look happy and you and your husband look like you love each other. Those are all good things. Love following the day to day on instagram. xop

  5. I have felt every bit of these words most intensely the past two and a half years. I can in all sincerity say I’ve been there, I understand what you feel. I admire you dear friend. I still struggle with the “why” of it all: why is it so difficult for the ones I love to give in kind? I still struggle to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. I still struggle with letting go. Thank you for finding and sharing the words.

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