My cousin Lauren left a lovely comment on my facebook wall today, really nice things about how she looked up to me growing up and what a beautiful and interesting person I have turned out to be. How she sees a peaceful happiness in me. Made me cry. And it got me thinking about how others see me, or how I want them to see me. This is what I have narrowed it down to: a calm, classic, and quiet beauty with just a little bit of quirkiness and understated sexy. Something you can’t quite put your finger on but you know I would be warm, funny, and easily approachable. I’m trying to pull this together .
I don’t know if it is the pregnancy and feeling schlumpy or my years creeping towards thirty but I am feeling the need to slightly reinvent myself or at least push that idea of what I am just a little bit. I think you are supposed to do this about every ten years as ‘they’ say. I feel like a little caterpillar waiting for my wings. I want to be that girl that wears red lipstick and actually does her hair and isn’t afraid to do a little bit of a smoky eye to go to Target. I don’t want to get stuck in that thirty-something mommy rut where I wear sensible shoes and trade in my push-up for a sports bra.
Maybe I’m just a little afraid of completely losing this slightly fragile identity I’ve spent my adult years trying to hone and just become known as a mom of two. I already absolutely hate it when people address me as ‘mama’. I love being a mama but unless you are my child or are referring to my child, as in “I think she is hungry, mama”, that is not my name.
My name is Andria and I am more than you know.
Now, I think I need to go replace my Better Homes and Gardens with a Vogue.
Andria, you have good instincts, I think.
My son is in his twenties. I remember when he was little how much pressure I felt to breast feed longer, work less, do one more child-centered volunteer thing. It seemed like I was always expected to disappear a little more into the mommy role.
I think it’s even harder for young mothers now, in the era of the $900 stroller and breast feeding for ages, and harder for women in small towns (at least in Sauk Prairie).
No matter what, your kids will always be the first thing in your mind when you wake up, and the last thing when you go to sleep. But you’re entitled to some hours in between when you’re an artist or a writer or whatever you are, to wear red lipstick, to wear high heels, to be separate and independent of your children.
::applauding both Andria and Ann::
WELL said ladies!
Andria, as your Mama, I am so proud of the young women you have become. Not because you are now married and have your own family,but, because of the lovely, good person who has so many amazing interests and qualities that you share with so many. I love you for being unique and embrasing it. All new moms lose some of their identity but you don’t have to be defined by your husband and your children, let them add to who you are and make you better. I am also needing to remember who I am as I don’t like to always be defined as Grandma. I am stil Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend ,and Me Elizabeth. I think that we all wear many hats in life and some fit well and others seem to shrink or change but I think we can wear them all! I think you will do well wearing them all. Just remember to return to your own hat so it never stops fitting! Love you, Momma
that was a great way to put it Elizabeth! it helped me out as well. I’m not even a mom (yet) and often find myself struggling with how i want others to see me and how i see myself. i always admire you andria. i definately see you as you describe and much more, you are grace, beauty, kindness, peace, and classic with a unique sensiblity all your own. you definately strike me as Andria still, and now you are Andria with a butterbean and sprout on the way. i can’t imgaine that you will ever get lost in mommy-dom. do you even own a sports bra? and vogue can most definately sit on top of bhg, it doesn’t have to replace it. wink wink.
love ya lady.