Monthly Archives: April 2010

Thank you for all of your words. It is helpful and comforting to know that I’m not alone in the way I feel. I know this is how a lot of mothers might feel but sometimes we think we aren’t supposed to and it can make that sense of being trapped and fading worse. Sometimes you just have to shout.

But not today. This day is quiet. I’ve showered, washed the dishes, done my hair and put on some of my new makeup (there is solace to be found at the Chanel counter, too), and picked up all the toys while the little sleeps. Now I’ve come upstairs to hole up in the cocoon of my untidy bedroom with the fat Olive just to sit. I like her soft snoring. It makes me feel relaxed and warm. I know I probably have just a few more minutes before nap time is over so I’m not going to waste it trying to pick things up. I have more wonderful things to occupy my time with, like enjoying the feeling of a swimming baby in my belly and the smell of a warm, sleepy dog next to me.

My cousin Lauren left a lovely comment on my facebook wall today, really nice things about how she looked up to me growing up and what a beautiful and interesting person I have turned out to be. How she sees a peaceful happiness in me. Made me cry. And it got me thinking about how others see me, or how I want them to see me. This is what I have narrowed it down to: a calm, classic, and quiet beauty with just a little bit of quirkiness and understated sexy. Something you can’t quite put your finger on but you know I would be warm, funny, and easily approachable. I’m trying to pull this together .

I don’t know if it is the pregnancy and feeling schlumpy or my years creeping towards thirty but I am feeling the need to slightly reinvent myself or at least push that idea of what I am just a little bit.  I think you are supposed to do this about every ten years as ‘they’ say.  I feel like a little caterpillar waiting for my wings.  I want to be that girl that wears red lipstick and actually does her hair and isn’t afraid to do a little bit of a smoky eye to go to Target. I don’t want to get stuck in that thirty-something mommy rut where I wear sensible shoes and trade in my push-up for a sports bra.

Maybe I’m just a little afraid of completely losing this slightly fragile identity I’ve spent my adult years trying to hone and just become known as a mom of two. I already absolutely hate it when people address me as ‘mama’. I love being a mama but unless you are my child or are referring to my child, as in “I think she is hungry, mama”, that is not my name.

My name is Andria and I am more than you know.

Now, I think I need to go replace my Better Homes and Gardens with a Vogue.

Ahhh. Back home after a trip to Florida last week. Evelyn and I went down with my mom and sister and had a good time. It is always good to be home, though I could really see myself living down there permanently. I know we had temperatures in the eighties in Wisconsin while we were gone (which we only reached the high 70′s in Florida) but it is so different. The blooming bougainvillea, green lush palms, and the taste of salt in the humid air tell me it’s not the same.  Every cell in me sighs when I put my feet in the sand.  I would move in a heartbeat if I had the chance.

The hardest part of the trip, besides my excruciating full-body sunburn, was keeping Evelyn alive. That child has no fear.  She ran straight into the ocean despite crashing waves and kept trying to get in there the entire trip. She also almost drown in the pool a few times because she just walked right down the steps into the water.  I am glad I’m a person that keeps calm and collected in emergency situations, even with my own child as I have found this past week. Then there was the eating sand and shells and looking over to her sweet little face and seeing a half rotten hermit crab hanging out of her mouth.

She really did like walking on the beach and picking up shells and chasing birds and seeing kids digging holes and building castles. One night at sunset a nice lady let her hug and snuggle her big golden retriever and I think it probably made her afternoon. It made us miss our own doggy.

So we flew back home.

It was so nice to see Scott and his smile. I missed him so much and I hope the next trip I take is with him. Nodding daffodils and green grass greeted me from my kitchen window in the morning before work (yes, I had to work the day after we got back). I’m still working on laundry and trying to put things away after just being dumped on the counter. My carry-on bag is still sitting in the kitchen, full of diapers, snacks, and camera stuff. I’m shooting for having things back to normal by Wednesday.  Hopefully.